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I am in a somewhat crowded club.
There I see a girl.
I think she's beautiful. I like her. Oh, yes, I pretty much like her. Of course I feel that I want her. And, more than easily, comes that much-familiar feeling of embarrassment; that I must talk to her and I don't know what to say. I look at her again and she notices that I am doing so. I feel embarrassed and shy. Nevertheless, I feel a strong urge to have a talk with her. Damn, I want her. I begin visualizing some possible pick up lines. 'Hi', for example. Ok, then what? I can hardly imagine something smart and something original. 'May I buy you a drink?' - sh*t, it's outdated. 'May I join you?' - better, but a bit '70's style.
The time passes by. She looks at me for a second time. Wow, I gotta do something, man! My friend urges me to go on. 'Go and talk to her, tell her anything; a stupid pick up line is better than nothing! At least you tried. At best, you may lead a more relaxed and smart flirting conversation and end up laid! Go on, you bast*rd, move!'.
No I can't. I sit where I am and do nothing. I buy myself another drink, tell jokes with my friend, she swiftly looks at me for a third time, and after haven't noticing how the time passed by, she picks her coat and her female friends up and there they're gone.
Bye, bye, happiness!
Happiness not in the sense of getting laid (this brings joy), but in the sense of trying. Of being free from that filthy fear. Of being a free human being that can do what he wants (without hurting or oppressing others, of course). Of being able to do things for his life. Of being able 'to freely bloom. That is my definition of happiness.
When at home, during the coming days, I try to analyze the reason why I didn't do it. What did I have to lose? At worst, I could have faced rejection. But, by not acting, I got a 100% rejection. Not from that woman, but as a result of my worst enemy: my fear.
I will never find out what she is, unless I try to do so. Unless I make my legs walk and make my mouth speak happy and flirting words and my eyes unleash all my natural attraction towards her.
If I don't let myself free from fears and comparisons, then I will never enjoy her. And that's the most important thing I will do from now on.
Next time, as I enter the club's door, I will let myself free from any perceivable fear of women (and of myself) I might have.
I have no more time to waste. I have to love and take good care of myself. Nobody else in the world will do so for me.
I will stop paying any dues to my fears!
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